new year

OK
I'm trying to be honest.
When my ex-wife walked out on me 8 years ago--I was devastated, destroyed.
My whole life, for 20years was Suzanne and then the girls.
EVERYTHING I did revolved around them and their lives.
I wasnot perfect, but my total motives were for family.
I was a model husband and tried to be a good citizen. A good model for the girls. We always told them and encouraged them, that they could do anything they wanted to do.
When I got fired from BPW, my life changed.
I was in jepardy of not being a 'good' father, (which I did not have.)
Finally, I got it together. A job at Walgreens, still fighting through the union to get my job back.
I ran for Mayor of Holland.
Then Suzanne got sick. I want to go back over journals to remember just what and how that happened. It's a blur.

Anyway, in 2000/20001, she walked out.
If not for the girls, I probably would have died.
Needless to say, my legs were kicked out from under me.
I managed, but staggereded.

I'm just now getting my legs back.

k

NEW START

I'm amazed at the way I feel/think of late. The reason I believe is getting off all of the medication I was on.
It somehow deadened me. I'm alive again.
Crazy? Yes probably, but I'm much happier this way!!!!! At least I'm real.
smitty

lifeisexciting

I've noticed over the past couple of weeks that my whole attitude about everyting is changing.
Probably because I have stopped taking antidepressants.
Obama is president and I still have a few good years ahead of me.
I keep asking myself what do I want to do. Always, my 'parent' begins a litany of reasons why, I can't. Story of my life.
I'm sick of it!!!
What the hell have I got to lose?
My biggest concern and love at present are my two beautiful girls, future son in law and future grandchild. That's it.
I have a mother that I have absolutely no interest in, but feel guilty because I don't care. She's one of those poison people.
I also have some cousins and relation that I do care about.
But, what do I want to do?
I know that I have a lot of previously taken photo's that I could do sommething with--maybe even make some money.
I'm not looking to get rich.
I want to be a writer. Been told I have potential as a good story teller. But, it's been awhile since I have actually written something.
Still love acess tv and believe it has great potential.
Lot's of stuff to think about.
smitty

A New ERA (I HOPE)

It is 10:17pm here in Holland, Michigan and the pundit's are predicting OBAMA as our next president of the United States. I'm glad, I voted for him.
Just got back from my local Acess TV Show 'Open Line,' a live call in show.
My co-Host, a VERY republican citizen was insane. BOO-HOO, WAAWAA.
Unfortunately, being in an overwhelming republican stronghold I pretty much got beat up.
It's ok. I expect great things from Mr. Obama.
Keith

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Well here I am.
Alive and, well?
Who know's how long that will last.
Life sucks--sometimes.
I am trying so hard to pay bills and keep up. It takes all of my energy.
k

???????????

I don't know what the hell is going on.
Well, I sort of do.
The rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
Money is power.
or is it?

I don't want to be rich. I want to spend time and love my girls and their families, write draw, paint and sing.

Things are gonna change around here

Remember your mom or dad saying those words?
Well, I've got a feeling that those words are very real today.
I'M TRYING VERY HARD TO BE POSITIVE!!!!
I have ALWAYS been an optimist. If anything, I avoid uncomfortable reality.
So, when I've got this sick, sinking feeling in my GUT, what does that mean?
I'm scared.
I have know doubt that I can survive much worse times but, I wonder about people who are even poorer than me.

Then I shake my head and try to remember that life is Ying and Yang, good and positive, for every bad thing there is a good thing.

My idea is that we as a society, want to get out of the me/mine/yours attitude. Remember, from our history lessons that there was a time when families did not have 'insurance.' When something happened to a neighbor/family/friend, EVERYBODY helped.
Rember barn raising? A modern example is Habitat For Humanity.
Think about it... how can you flip a guy off for cutting in front of your car, when he was part of the neighborhood group who helped you build a ramp to you back door so your sick wife can get her wheel chair into the house a little easier than stairs. You smile and wave.
What comes around--goes around.
Karma.
Pass It Forward.
Corny? Maybe, but it works and it's true.

It truly is "It's the End of the World As We Know It." REM

Sorry, if I'm going on and on but, it's time for what Kim and I used to call Blabbin'.
Coffee Klutch, lunches, neighborhood block parties, etc.
We gotta know each other!!

I'm done for now
smitty

SCAREY TIMES

These are some SERIOUS scarey times for everybody. Even rich people have to be wondering what next week, let alone next year will look like.
The price of gasoline (which effects the price of almost everything else), heating fuel prices up 20 or more percent and now I just heard coal prices have gone from last year prices of $50 a ton are now over $100 a ton.
NOT GOOD NEWS!!!
Unemployment is at record numbers, banks are failing and Bush and Mccain say our economy is basically sound.
WHAT!!???
Then to top all of this off, it seems the republican vice-presidentail candidate, who is espousing honesty, transparency and change is stonewalling the investigation in her home state of her wrong doing.
Sounds way too familiar!

I am an independent and honestly there are things I do not like about the Obama ticket but, I'm TERRIFIED of more republican BULLSHIT!!

OKOK

I had a really great day. It seems that when i actually get out and DO something I am happy and energized. I guess I knew that, but hey I'm old.
After dropping my daughter off at work, I decided to go downtown to a 'sacred' local eating joint for breakfast. Lately, I'm really bored with eggs, potatoes and bacon or sausage.
Good choice!
The owner said "Hi" like I was an old customer.
One of my daughters (both) elementary teachers and her husband,local author and former editor of the local newspaper, sat down next to me. Good talk.
Went to the laundromat and did my laundry and a city council member, whom I know rather well came in and again--good talk.
Got the laundry upstairs and headed out again, this time to the fabric store.
I needed something to hem the pant legs on two of my three work pants and asked about sewing machine lessons. 2 hour class on my machine--$20.
Went to the library and returned books and finally brought in the box of books to donate.
Met, Ruth Evenhouse at the coffee shop and we took a look at the studio, then went back to the coffee shop to talk about the show tomorrow night.
We were talking about stuff as we walked out and I mentioned that I had run for Mayor.
"Oh," she smiled, "you're that Keith Smith."

I got home and looked at my 'mail' and responded to a lady in Muskegon.

So, I'm feeling pretty good about me and the day.

Johnny Cash

I am in AWE.
Tonight, npr did a 2 hr show on Johnny Cash.
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!
What an incredible story/life.
So real and honest.
I hope that, someday, I can somehow contribute in just a small way, something for the future of humanity.
Lofty goal, I know but, that's the dream.

RING OF FIRE!!!!
later
s

DRUNK IN THE AFTERNOON

What the hell are you supposed to do when your neighbor shows up at your door at 1:00 in the afternoon with a 6 pack of beer!!??
DUH!!
Drink it!!
Then there's a walk across the street for another 6 pack.
Suddenly it's 4:00 and I'm loaded.
Of course, since I'm on 'no money' mode, I've had nothing to eat today.
And, I'm thinking obsessively!!! about my friend.
I called her, knowing I would get her voice mail, but that was the point. I just wanted to hear her voice.
It worked.
I long so much to love someone.
I think it might be her.
I know I'm just a crazy old fart.
smitty

BANNER DAY

Hey everybody!!!
I'm going to be a GRANDPA!!! A first for me and I am sooooo looking forward to it.
Excitement is nowhere near what I feel.
WOW.

LABOR DAY!!

OK, it was going to be another wonderful day. NNOOTT!!!
I don't know why but I sure am getting old and lazy. Maybe not lazy, but I do not have the energy I used to have.
Supposedly, one works smarter--not harder with age. I'm wondering about the truth in that one.
I need more excitement in my life. I want it too.
I'm hoping/dreaming/fantasizing that there's a small/miniscule chance that my new friend, CYN might be part of that change/excitement.
But, I know better than to get my hopes up too much. I've been burned before and it doesn't feel good.

It hurts everyday, when I think about my ex. I never really did get angry with her. Maybe I should have.

When she got sick, I tried to be conscious of my energy level so that I didn't burn out. For the first year, it really was touch and go for both of us. I was working and being a single parent for two girls and a caregiver for my wife.
She did not understand that.

I think everything just finally caught up with me. Again, I thank my wonderful girls for helping so much.

smitty

An Almost Perfect Day

Hey All:
It's the holiday weekend, quite honestly holiday's used tp be party time until about 10 years ago. Then my life changed and didn't stop for about 5 years. five whole years that are pretty much a blur of survival.
Foodstamps and much help from friends and neighbors, but as a final slap in the face the love of my life, my absolute soul mate for life, left me and our two young girls.
Whoopie, single dad!!! Don't get me wrong, my girls saved my life. But, the single parent routine is definetly a drag.

Today, I decided to change a couple of things in my life. First of all,, and probably most important, is that whenever that voice in my head says, "you can't do that" I'm going to say 'fuck you, shut up."

I rode the bike to a trail along the Black River (Swamp) today and spent some time drawing and taking a couple of pics.

Came home and cleaned a little. Had supper and now doing this.

My only wish is that I could have talked to my new friend Cyn.

Oh well, maybe tomorrow.

smitty

everybody needs a little down time

After three days of a 'funk' I've come around, (yes even optomists have down days.)
One thing I RELEARNED is the danger of assumptions.
EXAMPLE:
I have a new friend that I am VERY taken with and our relationship over the past month or so has been slow but, positive. One of the issues we've (I've) been dealing with is the fact that I have a picture of her but, I don't know how to get a picture to her of me. I admit I'm not a computer person and have a lot of problems.
To illustrate my lack of finesse with new technology I just got a cell phone last week-end. I almost blew it with texting my friend (who is living in Puerto Rico) but, thanks to her awarness, avoided a large first phone bill. Anyway, with my plan I have 5 'faves' that I can supposedly call anytime free. I called her Sunday evening on the phone, before the faves plan kicked in and had a short, but satisfying conversation, (hell just hearing her voice makes me fly.)
So, when the 'faves' plan started I quickly made her a fave. That night and for two days after, I tried to call her but kept getting an error message that I was not authorized to call this number.
Being naive with this whole cell phone thing, I finally got to the point where I thought my friend had BLOCKED me.
I was devasted. Come to find out, I had her phone number wrong!!!
DUH!!!!!!!!!!
So, I finally e-mailed her and again explained my frustration with trying to get her a photo. She gave me her address!!!!
I've got a half dozen photo's of me (past and present) and tomorrow will go to the post office and mail them.
I am excited to finally have her see what the hell I look like.
I'm no Don Juan, but I don't think I'm ugly.
Don't know how long it will take to get to Puerto Rico expecially with the holiday weekend.
The other issue I've been dealing with is money. Unfortunately I owe some people money. Not a lot of money but, a lot of people.
With my pension check and my part-time job at the Inn, I'm still having trouble. So, I've decided I'm going to get a second job, at least for awhile so I can get some of these people paid off and save some money.
(Specifically, a couple of thousand $$ to take a two week vacation to Puerto Rico.)
That's life so far.
smitty

love is a four letter word

LOVE
Ah, love. We all want it, we all need it.
And, yes, the age old question:

WHAT IS LOVE?

I'm sure I can't answer that question for everybody. I guess people have their own definition. But, for me love is:
unconditional trust-that means being able to talk about ANYTHING
AND EVERYTHING.
admiration and respect for each other
waking up in the morning with a smile on my face because you are
there next to me
love is a disease
a lot of HARD, sometimes uncomfortable work
communication is so important
putting that person #1 as far as importance in your life
sitting on the couch, just touching and looking

Just a few thoughts.
I miss touch and the look that special someone gives you.
later
smitty

MORETHOUGHTS

I'm finally into the 21st century!!
Although I swore I would never get one, I now have a cell phone.
A very simple one.
Now I can 'talk' to my new friend in Puerto Rico, and my girls can now get a hold of me pretty much anytime.
I don't intend to give the number out to a lot of people.
I do enjoy talking to my friend.
Life is very good. Not perfect, but very good.
The painting/art journey is progressing.
I'm trying to get motivated to write.
I think I'm closer to shooting the BPW Board Meetings and making a show.
Alot of work. At least 10 hours a show. Research, editing, etc..
I've decided that if I'm going to make anything happen, it's probably going to start with ACCESS TV.
So be it.

ITS ONLY MAKE BELIEVE

Hi all,
Listenede to 'Speaking of Faith' the other day on my Public Radio station and listened to an interview with Tole (?), the latest GURU master.
I had read a couple of book reviews and when it showed up at the library I took it out. 7 day book. I tried to read it. I was ready for change. But, I couldn't get into it.
So, I was interested in the interview. I actually felt guilty because I didn't get into it--"IT WAS ON OPRA'S LIST!!"
The guy was alright, but I'm still not ready for his message.
I understand the whole thing about NOW.
The whole shucking of the ego makes perfect sense.
However, I remember that I tried three times to read Persig's Zen and
The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.
Finally,the fourth try, I got it. I have read it at least 4 times sionce--the book changed my life.
I guess I'm slow, but when I FINALLY get a hold of something--watch out.

It seems I'm trying to get a hold of life.

More Thoughts On Life

I guess my neighbor is Ok, at least physically. She still wishes we had not found her.
Suicide is a very selfish act. Against oneself and others.
I absolutely, firmly believe that WE are in control/in charge of our life. What that life does and where it goes is in our control.
Choices we make, dictate our life.
We CHOSE to let others dictate/influence our choices.
We all have our voices that try to dictate our choices--parents, relatives, pastors, teachers, etc..
But, ultimately, it is our choice.

The Times Are Bad
Very Well
You are There
To Make Them Better.

I do not know who wrote this but, it has been my mantra for twenty years.
I keep on trying and that's what keeps me going.
smitty

What is life?

Well, for one thing it's breathing!!!
What the hell is going on around here? I know times are bad, but holy shit!!
In one weeks time, I've had two close friends try to kill themselves.
I've known other acquitances who have either tried or succeeded.
How low must a person be to decide there is no future?
I must admit I've had some pretty rough times and been pretty low, but NEVER that low.
Just didn't seem like a good option to me.
Sad and scary.
smitty

missionaccomplished

Got some GREAT photo's of flowers. Going to drw them later.
Potato is cook and I just started the venison steak.
My oldest daughter, Allison just called and wished me happy birthday. The girls want to do something for my birthday, so Thursday or Friday evening, we'll get together.
Going to do the glads now.
I hope my birthday fantasy/wish comes true.
smitty

laterthatday

Hey, still my birthday. I did my thing at work and brought my daughter some money.
I'm home and not answering the phone. Bought some beer and got my camera back from my neighbor.
Going to go downstairs and take some shots of her flowers, then do the gladiolas I bought the other day--red ones.
I love glads and just found out that they are the flower for people born in August. How about that!!??
Before I head downstairs I'm going to put a potato into the oven because I'm going to cook up a venison steak my friend gave me. Never had venison before.
We'll see.
I have also decided that I really want/need to start dating again. Not necessarily looking for a serious relationship. Just some companionship and maybe!!?? sex.
It has been about 12 years since I really made love with someone. Long-time.
smitty

HAPPYBIRTHDAYTOME!!!!!!

Yes, 57 years of life here on this earth.
How nice.
I'm bored!!
I've really got to start living.
That's not entirely true. I am working on my watercolour paint/pencils and I must admit pleased with my drawing ability and progress so far. This is difficult.
I went to the doctor again yesterday because my throat was not getting any better.
Clean bill of health, just remnants from the strep.
Next Monday when I get my check, I'm going to join Evergree Commons, ($35). That will open up several possibilities for me.
I want a writing class, watercolour painting and yoga class. We'll see.
Ready for work.
smitty

Whoopee we're all gonna' die!!

Continuing on with my story of HD and me.
Shortly after my neurological work-up, I got a phone call informing me that my father was in the hospital with frost bit on his toes and feet.
He was staying with his brother in Cedar Springs and for some reason started walking into town. The problem was, it was below freezing and he was barefoot and had no jacket.
I went to the hospital several times to visit him and he seemed quite pleased to see me.
The day after Christmas I went to his room and walked into an empty room! I felt like the breaath had been knocked out of me. When I finally regained my equilibrium, I went to the nurses station.
Apparently,my father became VERY agitated during the night and actually too a swing at a nurse. He was taken to the County Psychiatric Facility.
I finally got to talk to the Doctor assigned to my father. He was being worked up for a psychiatric evaluation. I was able to visit him.
After about a week, the social worker called me and wanted to talk to me.
His team had decided to send him to Kalamzoo Psychiatric Hospital, (the state nut-house)
for further evaluation.
I guess I should have realized at that point that my father was very sick. I was just trying to
cope with my life. School, homework and a part-time job left me little time to think about other things.
His social worker called me a couple of days after his transfer to Kalamazoo and talked to me about having him committed. Mymother volunteered to do it, but I was the one who was
totally involved and felt some kind of moral call to follow through. Besides, I didn't want my mother to deal with her ex, anymore than she had to.
I got a lawyer through Legal Aide and there was an offical hearing with a judge. I was very nervous. After the doctor and social worker presented the findings from the work-ups the judge asked my father if he knew where he was?
" A mental hospital," he said.
Then the judge asked him how they were treating him?
"Ok," he looked at the judge, "I get cigarettes."
The judge asked him a couple of other questions which my father answered very lucidly.
I started getting really nervous. All kinds of doubts raced through my mind.
Then the judge asked him how the food was?
"It's good, but I know they're putting bugs in it, so they know what I'm thinking."
I breathed a huge sigh of relief.
My father was committed to KSH and I was appointed his guardian.
Paranoid Schizophrenia with Degenerative Disease (Huntington's Disease.)
I spoke with his Doctor at KSH abd the social worker several times after he was officially admitted. They suggested that I give him a couple of weeks to get settled and then I could come and visit him.

Enough for now
smitty

Huntington's Disease (Chorea)

Ya know we're all born with a terminal illness called death.
It's not a communicable disease, we all have it.
So why are some journeys to that end so very different than other people's?
For me, this genetic disease called Huntington's Disease (used to be Chorea) has been a MAJOR
consideration to my whole adult/growing up.
It wasn't always in my awareness. Really, age 17, senior in high school was when I was told about it. Happy graduation!!
I have to admit that at first, it really didn't mean a whole lot to me and my life.
It wasn't until the summer after graduation, when i volunteered for an organization called SwitchBoard--a crisis intervention/suicide prevention telephone organization.
During the training, the HD issue surfaced. Surprising me with the force and feelings I had
about it. Not devasting or even depressing, but certainly an awareness I did not have before.
So, I started doing a little more research and asking my mother questions about the disease and my father who was the 'carrier' of the gene that would determine something in my future.
My mother divorced my father when I was 7 or 8 years old. He was a drunk.
Somehow, I found out the Neurologist that my father was seeing and one night called.
It was evening and I'm not sure why he called me back, but he did.
He told me that Yes, my father did have Huntington's and that I should call his office and set up an appointment for a basic neurological work-up.
I did.
For some reason, I thought that he would be able to tell me if I was going to get this diease or not to worry about it. This was 1970.
My mother accompanied me to the appointment and after a lengthy medical history process, I was taken to the office of the doctor.
He was an older man, which I felt comfortable with figuring he had lots of experience.
After multiple tests, mostly coordination testing (I was never very coordinated) and some thought/mental tests, the doctor gave me his assessment.
"Well Keith, as far as I can tell, at this point you have no symptoms of the Huntington's."
Sometimes, I'm a little slow assessing a situation and my mother quickly thanked the doctor for his time and guided me out of the office.
It wasn't until I got home and sat in my room, that I realized the doctor didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. At the time I was angry, I had expected a 'yes' or 'no' which now, I realize he could't do. Later, I would realize/understand that that assessment was a really good thing for future assessments concerning this disease.

That's as far as I can go for now. Don't worry, more to come.
smitty

Curve Balls

Just when ya think ya got at least some of it figured out, life throws you a curve ball.
Last night I got a phone call from my daughter in New York, telling me that there was a problem with her sister.
Not going to go into it now but, needless to say, life is changing again!
Oh, well.
smitty

I"M TRYIN'

Damn, sometimes I get so frustrated with this technology stuff!!
I don't know why, but my computer would not download the software for my camera.
So, I ended up having the pics on two cards transfered to a CD--$3.50, not bad.
My CD player does not work.
I tried swapping it out and it still doesn't work.
So, I went to the public library and tried to use one of their public computers.
No luck, I even asked for help.
However, and this may be a long way around, but I found out I can transfer my CD pics to a floppy.
So that's the plan for now.
Tomorrow after work, go back to the library and transfer the three pics of me to a floppy. Then I can bring those home and ssend them to CYN, and put them up here.
Keep your fingers crossed!!

I also got four more books:
Patricia Cornwell--The Front (I love this lady!!)
Writing Creative Non-Fiction-Edited by Carolyn Forche' and Phillip Gerard
Elizabeth Horowitz-WaterColour for the first time-a beginner's guide
Keith West-Painting Plant Portraits-a step-by-step guide

Picked up an application for a new job in the kitchen at our local college, my friend works there. This could be a lot of fun.

Waiting to talk to my new super good friend CYN tonight. I hope.

Been thinking about my life lately and honestly, I have lived a pretty interesting life so far.

I guess the first REALLY interesting thing was the singing group I was in, in the 5th grade--The Combo's.
Lowell Showboat, Allegan Fair, lot's of private parties.
The summer between 6th grade, elementary school and 7th grade, middle school, I had plastic surgery
on my ears.
Not much in middle school.
High School was choir, and then in 12th grade, second semester I got into madrigals and ended up being
the spokes-person, excellent experience. Also, a dance band.
Huntington's Disease (Chorea) becomes part of my vocabulary/life.
Tried Junior College.
Ended up working at a nursing home which led to Butterworth Hospital Training as an Operating
Room Technician. Did that for about 6 years. Ended up in Holland.
Got a Vasectomy.
Had my father committed to the nut house.
Went back to college for nursing. Didn't finish--divorce screwed that up.
Did Dale Carnigie.
Met Suzanne and married her.
Two, beautiful young ladies through artificial insemination.
Huntington's becomes reality--father is transfered to a local nursing home.
Father dies.
Brother is diagnosed with childhood onset Huntington's.
The TEST journey begins/or becomes real.
BPW job.
Access Television.
Community leader/volunteer.
Fired (after 16 years)--FIGHT!!!
Real DEPRESSION-PROZAC!!
New job.
Mayor bid.
Sick wife--damn near dies-liver transplant.
ADHD becomes reality.
Old job back.
Lawsuit.
Wife walks out on me and girls.
Divorce.
Dealing with DEPRESSION again
Therapy--Charlie.
Lost house.
Retired from BPW
Divorce.
Present.

Yea, I'd say there's a few stories in my life.
But, for now, I'm trying to figure out my future.
I have very few responsibilities: my girls (both adults), my two cat's, my mother (whom I have not talked to
for over two years,) some people I owe money to, and ME!!

That's the issue of the day--where am I going??

later
smitty

another good day

I can't help it, I'm such a damn optimist!!!
Some would say it's a positive trait, but I'll tell you it is sometimes a burden.
Today I work for a couple of hours. On the way home I intend to pick up an application
for a local college, doing kitchen help. I don't mind! It's a dollar an hour more than I'm making now and there's
health insurance. (That's $200+ a month.) Not bad but, if I can get more of that paid for, not a bad thing.
Plus, after working there for a year I can take classes at a discount and there is a writer prof there I would love to take a class with.
When I get home and changed my clothes, I'm headed for the library where I can supposedly download a couple of photo's of me. I will then be able to put up a pic of me for this blog. Eventually, I hope to show some of my art and photo's from the past.
After the library, I'll work on the watercolour and pencils. My task today is to play with liquid mask (removable.)
Not sure how it works.
I am hoping and looking forward to talking to my very good friend tonight.
smitty

Another Show

Just got home from the studio and another show.
I've been doing this live, call-in tv show with another guy for about 10 years now. Just twice a month on our access tv channel.
Lately, we haven't got much attention. We have had some pretty good shows in the past.
I'm going to look up a lady who does water-colour classes at our senior citizen place and I heard want's to do a show. Maybe if I help her do a show, I'll learn a little more about this medium.
There was a time when I was actually quite involved in this organization. Of course, LIFE happens and things change, but now that I've got more time I'm thinking of getting more involved.
It's a good First Amendment, Freedom of Speech forum and can be just plain fun.
smitty

Questioning?!

Interesting, the root word of question is quest.
So, what is a quest? Don Quitoxe?
A quest, basically means to search, the act of seeking. When one is on a quest, one is seeking an answer.
As in science, one must act the correct question to get the answer one is seeking.
Life, I would surmise is a quest. Looking for an answer/or answers. Maybe, there's more than one question.?
We're born and learn how to survive. That's the first thing that comes to mind--survival.
Is that the basic question? As a human being, how do I survive. But, why survive?
We're born, we live, we die. Very finite, no ifs ands or buts, everybody does.
One theory for survival is the continuation of the species. I must survive, and procreate. That is human. If human beings did not procreate the species would die. OK, but what about people, couples who do not have children. Do they not, then have a reason for survival?
But, I digress. My questioning is personal:

I am a 57 year old male, who has done his spiecies
responsible thing. Procreation.
The offspring have been raised and are now adults.
My original plan was to spend the rest of my life with
Suzanne, what-ever that meant. But, now I am faced with a
changed plan--there is no plan.

What am I doing for the rest of my life on this earth?

smitty

Wondering

Just wondering what I want?
A better question might be what do I like?
MUSIC: Listening to Billy Joel right now, but I really like all kinds of music. Also, playing my accordion, guitar, working on my mandolin and writing music.
ART: Worked on the watercolour and w.pencils tonight. Just played around. I enjoy drawing and taking photo's. Want to learn cartooning.
WRITING: I enjoy writing, but haven't been doing much lately. Need to take a class, or get my ass to the free class at the library.
LOVE: I'm enjoying courting a lady by the name of CYN and I get a real rush, every morning when I wake up and think about her. She is a lady, at least so far, that I could spend a lot of time with.
So, just a few things I want to work on or do.
smitty

ONE MORE TIME

This whole blogging thing is pretty new for me. As with most things, a learning curve is present.
For two days in a row now I have written a post and proptly lost it!!
Very frustrating, but somehow today I feel more confident about it.
So, here goes.
Got several things on my mind this morning.
First: Procrastination. What the hell is it and when is it a problem. I've become a professional procrastinator, having practical experience throught my life. But, one problem question is forever an issue on my mind; namely when is it a bad thing and when is it a good thing?
I know that sometimes, I procrastinate because I am afraid of something.
Another reason I do procrastination and I wonder if this one is really procrastination or something else, is ADHD. Not looking for any kind of excuse here, I just get so busy with too many things and can't concentrate on finishing anything.
Then, there's the procrastination thing where, for some reason I'm just not ready to go forward. Stuck, or something.
It get's very frustrating sometimes--hell, a lot of the time!!.
The ADHD thing does have some good qualities.
I have MANY interests and am very seldom bored.
There are times when I do hyper-focus. I get so into something I'm doing,
(i.e., writing, reading, drawing, playing my accordion or singing with my guitar.) This can be good or not so good.
I like it when I can do it with some of the above activities, but there are times when it is not so helpful.
Watching tv is one of those things. When I watch tv, that is ALL I am doing--totally!! Which is why I do not watch tv, have not for almost two years now.
This used to be a constant source of irritation for my ex-wife. We would be watching tv and she would try to talk to me and it was as if I was in a room al by myself--I heard nothing she said.
I wish i could have a little more control of this, but it does not respond to my whims and wishes.
So, this is one thing I struggle with everyday.
I can't help but think that low self esteem is in the mix somewhere in that mess with procrastination.

The other issue on my mind of late, is a very special lady I have been getting to know over the past month or so.
I was married, very happily for almost 23 years to what I considered my soul mate. I loved this lady more than life itself--honestly. She was my lover, my friend,my daughters mother, my teacher and critic. I trusted her more than I trusted myself.
Unfortunately, over a period of about 4 years, she got sick--almost died--and totally changed. Became a whole new and different person.
I know it takes two people and I am not going to get into it for now, but,
with one young lady turning 13 and entering high-school and the other daughter a senior and graduating, she decided she needed to take a trip to England and meet a guy she had, unbeknownst to me, been talking to for almost a year.
She walked out.
I was absolutely devistated, damn near destroyed and I thank the Lord that my two girls were there for me. I probably would have destroyed myself if not for them. Maybe not.
Anyway, for a long time I wasn't even interested in dating. When i finally did start going out with a lady I tried to be very clear that I was only interested in a friend. Someone to go to a movie or out to dinner with.
This lady had other ideas and after 3 months I was her fiance'. I lived with this for about another 6 months and then finally broke it off.
There was one more lady I dated for awhile who was the opposite. I was crazy about her and after 6 months I was ready to marry her. She was not, and again we slowly fell apart.
That was about 3 years ago.
I believe in synchronicity. Nothing happens that does not have a reason.
Karma and the goodness and wholeness of the universe is real to me.
So, one night I'm wandering around on the internet and I came across this blog. I spent the weekend reading every entry this lady wrote (about 6 years worth) and finally worked up the nerve to write an e-mail to her.
we have been writing ever since.
I am TOTALLY ABSOLUTELY taken by this lady. Smart, fun, beautiful and sexy.
We'll see where this goes, but I am encouraged. She has given me confidence that there IS someone out there SOMEPLACE that is a soul mate.
signing off
smitty

A GREAT DAY

Hi All:
I'm going to try this again, so be prepared.
My life, so far has been challenging but over all pretty exciting.
So, part of the reason for this blog is to talk about my personal life. I do not want to sound at all full of myself but, I think that i might have had some experiences that perhaps might give someone else some insight or a different viewpoint.
Today, I am looking forward to writing an e-mail to a VERY special lady I have been writing to recently.
I enjoy writing and telling stories, so be prepared. Having ADHD, I sometimes go off on tangents and forget what my original point/idea was.
I'm looking at a practice water colour I'm doing of a red/pink day lily.
Watercolour has always fascinated me, but way to uncontrollable and free for me.
I have in the past preferred pencil, mostly ebony but some charcoal pencil.
Expression is one of the most powerful and elusive part of me.
So, I have a cheap ($3.50) piece of paper with some texure.
Started with my pencil and drew a very light outline and then did a couple of washes with Carmine wtrclr, then a prim red gouache.
I like the effect but the edges in the flower are too sharp and I'm not sure how to lighten/soften them.
That's the next step, we'll see how it goes.
Having fun, just for the sake of playing has never been a strong asset and one I am trying to cultivate in my retirement course.

Keep Trying!!
smitty