ONE MORE TIME

This whole blogging thing is pretty new for me. As with most things, a learning curve is present.
For two days in a row now I have written a post and proptly lost it!!
Very frustrating, but somehow today I feel more confident about it.
So, here goes.
Got several things on my mind this morning.
First: Procrastination. What the hell is it and when is it a problem. I've become a professional procrastinator, having practical experience throught my life. But, one problem question is forever an issue on my mind; namely when is it a bad thing and when is it a good thing?
I know that sometimes, I procrastinate because I am afraid of something.
Another reason I do procrastination and I wonder if this one is really procrastination or something else, is ADHD. Not looking for any kind of excuse here, I just get so busy with too many things and can't concentrate on finishing anything.
Then, there's the procrastination thing where, for some reason I'm just not ready to go forward. Stuck, or something.
It get's very frustrating sometimes--hell, a lot of the time!!.
The ADHD thing does have some good qualities.
I have MANY interests and am very seldom bored.
There are times when I do hyper-focus. I get so into something I'm doing,
(i.e., writing, reading, drawing, playing my accordion or singing with my guitar.) This can be good or not so good.
I like it when I can do it with some of the above activities, but there are times when it is not so helpful.
Watching tv is one of those things. When I watch tv, that is ALL I am doing--totally!! Which is why I do not watch tv, have not for almost two years now.
This used to be a constant source of irritation for my ex-wife. We would be watching tv and she would try to talk to me and it was as if I was in a room al by myself--I heard nothing she said.
I wish i could have a little more control of this, but it does not respond to my whims and wishes.
So, this is one thing I struggle with everyday.
I can't help but think that low self esteem is in the mix somewhere in that mess with procrastination.

The other issue on my mind of late, is a very special lady I have been getting to know over the past month or so.
I was married, very happily for almost 23 years to what I considered my soul mate. I loved this lady more than life itself--honestly. She was my lover, my friend,my daughters mother, my teacher and critic. I trusted her more than I trusted myself.
Unfortunately, over a period of about 4 years, she got sick--almost died--and totally changed. Became a whole new and different person.
I know it takes two people and I am not going to get into it for now, but,
with one young lady turning 13 and entering high-school and the other daughter a senior and graduating, she decided she needed to take a trip to England and meet a guy she had, unbeknownst to me, been talking to for almost a year.
She walked out.
I was absolutely devistated, damn near destroyed and I thank the Lord that my two girls were there for me. I probably would have destroyed myself if not for them. Maybe not.
Anyway, for a long time I wasn't even interested in dating. When i finally did start going out with a lady I tried to be very clear that I was only interested in a friend. Someone to go to a movie or out to dinner with.
This lady had other ideas and after 3 months I was her fiance'. I lived with this for about another 6 months and then finally broke it off.
There was one more lady I dated for awhile who was the opposite. I was crazy about her and after 6 months I was ready to marry her. She was not, and again we slowly fell apart.
That was about 3 years ago.
I believe in synchronicity. Nothing happens that does not have a reason.
Karma and the goodness and wholeness of the universe is real to me.
So, one night I'm wandering around on the internet and I came across this blog. I spent the weekend reading every entry this lady wrote (about 6 years worth) and finally worked up the nerve to write an e-mail to her.
we have been writing ever since.
I am TOTALLY ABSOLUTELY taken by this lady. Smart, fun, beautiful and sexy.
We'll see where this goes, but I am encouraged. She has given me confidence that there IS someone out there SOMEPLACE that is a soul mate.
signing off
smitty